I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
