i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
