U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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