He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
