Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
