Sacagawea was the original milf.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
