I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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