I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
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just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
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He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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