textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
