A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
