all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
