i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
