Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
