I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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