So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The air was thick with penises
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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