just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.