you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She bit a glass in half.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
