I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
