Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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