I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
