She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just pee around me
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
