Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
