you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
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there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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