woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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