basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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