I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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