I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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