Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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