I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my shit smells like andre
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
