Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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