remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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