Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
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