WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
