HIV tests are more positive than that guy
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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