Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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