1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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