i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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