Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
