Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
should my penis look like a turkey
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
