I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
