Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I would fuck him just for his dog
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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