2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
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