Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
