You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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