I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
