Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
