I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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