If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
