At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
