life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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