Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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