Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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