my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
