i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
