I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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