the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
