My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
