Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize