based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
